Training begins! The meaning behind Despair
by happykiller93
Summary: Yuuno Hikari is a Vice-Captain of the 3rd division under Kurosaki Ichigo. After a failed mission, Hikari decides to go under the mentorship of her Captain. A series of short stories of her life in soul society. 2
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to the one and only Tite Kubo.**

Just one week into her Vice-Captain duties, Hikari found herself fighting against a hollow in the outskirts of the fourteenth district of South Rukongai. She had dispatched two teams from her squad into the town. One of the teams will lure the hollow out to where she and the rest of the squad members were waiting- an empty field save for a strange looking house a few miles away containing a long chimney that reaches to the sky. The other team was to stay in the town to treat any casualties caused by the hollow.

She heard the hollow's roar in the distance. It was a spine-chilling roar, consisting of many unearthly screams fused into one. She signaled to her members, and braced herself for the hollow headed her way.

The hollow was huge, much larger than Hikari had ever anticipated. She had only ever killed hollows in the human world, and killing hollows in soul society was new to her. The hollow stood at 15 metres tall, and the ground shook with every step it took. Its mask resembled the shape of a snake even though it had a humanoid body. Its reiatsu, or spirit power, was enormous, indicating this hollow was no weakling. As soon as it was close enough to her, Hikari shouted out: "A-team!"

The shinigamis behind her drew their swords and started slashing out at the hollow. This was meant to distract the hollow long enough for Hikari to find an opening and make one clean hit on the mask, eliminating the hollow.

Hikari noticed an opening from the Hollow's back. She waited for an opportune moment before flash-stepping a short distance behind the hollow, and using the ground to launch herself, aimed for the head from its back.

The wind rushed past her as she flew towards the back of the oversized head, and she lifted her sword, ready to swing it into the head, thus breaking the mask. At the last moment right before the strike, a serpentine tail swung towards her, smacking her to the ground. Hikari only managed to graze the back of the hollow's head before landing face-down on the ground with a loud "thud". She blacked out for a moment.

"Vice-captain!". Hikari awoke to the screams of her squad members, some of whom had abandoned their posts and were running towards her. Her head was throbbing and her breathing constricted. She tried to sit up, but the best she could manage was to hoist her upper body up a little with the remaining strength she had. She chided herself for not noticing the tail in the first place. Blood was oozing from her forehead, causing her to feel dizzy and her vision to blur.

_No, not now! I'm still in the battlefield!_ She pleaded to no one in particular, but it was too late. Her consciousness was already beginning to seep away.

The hollow was headed towards her now. It flicked away her squadmates who were still fighting it like rag dolls. She realized that these soul reapers do not have the capabilities to defeat this hollow either. Around her, many of her squadmates lie injured.

_She hadn't wanted this to happen. It was all her fault. _Hot tears were running down her cheeks now, and her head started throbbing. The realization hit her like a bucket of cold water. The mission to which she promised her captain would be a success just hours ago, her first mission, was a failure.

All of a sudden, she caught a swift movement out of the corner of her eye. The next moment, the hollow was pushed a few feet backwards by a seemingly invisible force. This kicked up a layer of dust that clouded the hollow and its attacker.

When the dust had settled, Hikari noticed a small figure standing between her and the hollow. It was a female shinigami. Her short hair was as black as the shikasho she was wearing, and her zanpakutou gleamed against the afternoon sun. Hikari noticed a squad's vice-captain badge tied onto her left shoulder.

She took a step towards the hollow, before disappearing and reappearing just in time to cleanly slash the hollow into two.

The hollow let out a pained scream before disappearing into a cloud of sparkling dust, and Hikari found her vision blurring again before her world turned black.

* * *

><p>Hikari opened her eyes to the concerned face of her captain, who was sitting by her bedside. As soon as he saw that she was awake, his expression changed into one of relief. She noticed that on her captain's chin was a slight bruise, as though someone had punched him from below, but chose not to enquire about it.<p>

She sat up, and pain seared through her chest. Her head was still throbbing, indicating that what had happened before wasn't a dream. She looked around and realized that she was back in her room in the squad 3 barracks. Her bed was the shinigami standard issue traditional Japanese bed consisting of a thin mattress, pillow and blanket. Beside it was a cushion which her Captain had been sitting on, but he had stood up after she awoke to pour a cup of tea for her on the other side of the room. The evening sun was streaming in through the windows, and birds were chirping happily outside the room. It was a peaceful day.

"You have been out for a day." The captain handed her a cup of tea and sat back beside her. She took a sip from the cup and felt a pleasant warmth spread through her body.

"Thank you, Kurosaki-taichou…" her voice trailed off. She remembered how careless, how weak and how useless she had been during her mission. The more she thought about it, the more self-doubting she became, and in the end she decided she wasn't good enough for the position of vice-captain. She had completely lost all confidence she had in herself.

"I'm sorry." The Captain began. Hikari looked up and saw guilt reflected in his eyes. "I didn't know that you have never experienced fighting a hollow in soul society before, and sent you on such a dangerous mission."

_Why must the Captain apologise? It was her fault! Hers!_

Unable to contain the guilt inside of her, in a swift motion, Hikari put down her cup of tea, threw her blanket aside and knelt down in front of the captain, ignoring the pain searing through the many parts of her body as she did so.

"Forgive me, it was I who messed up in my mission. I am too weak and inadequate, I was unable to lead a successful mission due to my incompetency. I would like to request a demotion from my position as a Vice-Captain of the squad." She cried, looking down at the floor below her. She was too ashamed to look her Captain in the eyes any further.

There was a pause, before a fist connected to the top of her head. Hikari winced. The fist stayed there as its owner softly said: "Someone once told me…" he paused, but from the tone of his voice, Hikari guessed that her Captain was trying to hold back his emotions.

"If you are afraid of losing, just get stronger. If you are afraid of not being able to protect your friends, swear to get stronger until you can protect them. If you are afraid of the uncertainties inside of you, resolve to get stronger so you can crush it!" The captain's voice grew louder at every sentence.

The fist then left her head and Hikari was finally able to look up at her Captain's face. The guilt from his face before was replaced with a fierce look of determination and his amber eyes bore into hers.

"So!" He concluded loudly, stabbing his index finger towards her, "If you want to kneel down in front of me, beg for nothing else but my discipleship!"

Those words resounded through Hikari's ears and her eyes widened in surprise. _Why wasn't the Captain angry at her for failing the mission?_ But the question was pushed aside for the time being as she realized how foolish she was for giving up so easily on herself.

Hope bubbled through her and she understood her Captain's intentions immediately. She will not give up the chance. Knowing her Captain, he will not allow her to either. A little confidence had returned to her now, as well as her pride of being the second-in-command of the 3rd division.

"Please… accept me as your disciple, Kurosaki-taichou." She said, surprised at how emotional her voice sounded. She looked determinedly at her Captain. However, her hands at her sides were shaking from the myriad of emotions that overwhelmed her at once. Pride. Joy. Enlightenment. Expectation.

"I want to get stronger. Much stronger." Her voice shook. "This is so that I will not compromise the safety of any of my squad members below me, so that I will complete my missions successfully, and so that… I will make my captain proud." Upon saying that, she realized that she could not contain herself any longer and broke into tears of joy.

The Captain's eyes softened and he gave Hikari a small, reassuring smile. Her heart skipped a beat at the endearing expression he gave her.

"That's the spirit."


	2. Chapter 2

Hikari was given two weeks to recover from her injuries. She had suffered from a concussion and several broken rib bones from her fight with the hollow, causing her movements to be painfully slow.

In the first week, she was ordered by her Captain to stay in her room, but was given freedom of movement as long as it does not impede her recovery. When she was bored, she would take a stroll in the garden outside her room, admiring the persimmon trees growing there. Her Captain would occasionally come to check on her, bringing with him some mangas he brought from the human world. If there was one thing the both of them had in common, it was their love of action mangas.

Hikari often thought back to her first mission, and the shinigami that saved her life. _Who was she?_ She was beautiful, her movements were graceful, and carried an air of authority. Hikari decided that is she were to meet the shinigami, she would have to properly thank her.

By the second week, Hikari was well enough to start doing paperwork, and would head back to the office to complete them with vigour. _The sooner she completes those paperwork_, she thought, _the more time she would be able to train with the Captain._

Finally, after a checkup in the fourth division, Hikari was declared healthy. The Captain had come to pick her up from the fourth division headquarters, smiling in amusement as Hikari ran eagerly towards him, not wanting to waste any precious time that could be spent on training.

They walked back to the third division headquarters in silence, and Hikari prepared herself for the training ahead. She knew the Captain was strong; she had seen him in friendly sparring matches against people in the eleventh division before. Even though the eleventh division was well known for their brute strength and battle capabilities, her Captain would always leave the place with nothing more than a few scratches.

Back in the third division headquarters, Hikari was led to a dojo. The dojo was a separate Japanese style building from the main building, situated at a remote corner within the territory of the headquarters. A gravel pathway led from the main building to the dojo.

Once in the dojo, the Captain disarmed himself, putting his ridiculously large sword aside. He then shrugged off his haori, folding it neatly before placing it down beside his sword.

"Disarm yourself." The Captain had instructed Hikari before disappearing into a small room. Hikari did as she was told and put down her sword next to her Captain's.

The Captain reappeared from the room, holding two bamboo swords. He proceeded to throw one of the swords to Hikari, who caught it.

"I will be testing you on your swordplay." He said casually, resting his bamboo sword on his shoulder. "You pass if you are able to land a hit on me. You ready, Hikari?"

Hikari nodded, excitement building up inside her. She took her battle stance, indicating she was ready. Seeing that, the Captain took his battle stance too, spreading his legs for greater balance. He signaled for her to make the first move.

Hikari ran forward with her bamboo sword lifted, trying to strike from the front. The Captain blocked her attack with his sword, before proceeding to land a painful kick on her left side. She took a few steps back, wincing from the pain.

"Striking right from the front like that leaves you open to attacks from the side." The Captain commented. From the tone of his voice, Hikari noticed that he was not fighting to his full capabilities. But she knew that he would not let her land a hit on him either.

Hikari picked herself up, and launched herself towards the Captain again. This time, she feinted a left attack before striking from the right. The Captain blocked her blows easily, as though he was able to read her mind.

She came at him again and again, striking from many different directions, aiming to get a hit on the Captain. The Captain blocked each of her blows with perfect timing, rendering her attacks useless. The Captain will also not hesitate to strike an opening if he sees one, and as time passed, Hikari felt herself being overpowered. She was tired now, from all the attacking, and each of her Captain's counterattacks were just as painful as the first. Her Captain seemed to be fine despite all her attacks, not giving any hint of having been attacked at all. Hikari realized her strength was draining, and she may not be able to continue fighting if this continues. Her next blow had to count.

She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate. A few feet in front of her, her Captain was back in his battle stance, waiting for Hikari to make his next move.

"_Hikari."_ Those words from a long time ago came back to her. She vaguely remembered the smile that spread widely across the face. A crooked smile reminiscent with that of a crocodile's. "_The faith that you have in yourself shall become your greatest strength. The faith that others have in you… shall add on to your strength."_

Yes. She had to believe in herself. He, who had taught him about this faith, and had given her all of his faith, she would never forget about him.

Hikari opened her eyes and took a step forward before breaking into a run. _That_ man was still in her mind as she struck her attacks simultaneously towards her Captain. The captain defended himself from the onslaught of attacks and, spotting an opening to her right side, used his sword hand to ram into it.

Right before it landed a hit, Hikari jumped backwards in an unprecedented movement, stabbing her bamboo sword into the floor for balance. She then flung her sword upwards, and it connected with the Captain's sword hand, flinging the Captain's sword to the air. The Captain's eyes widened in surprise from Hikari's disarmament attack.

Seeing that her Captain was disarmed, Hikari fell to her knees, panting in exhaustion. She was unable to comprehend how she did it, but she understood that she had successfully, albeit barely, landed a hit on the Captain. She stole a glance towards him. Shock was still evident on his features.

"P-pardon my rudeness, Kurosaki-taichou!" Hikari bowed her head in apology.

There was a moment of silence, before the Captain broke into a loud laugh. He went up to Hikari, still laughing, and ruffled her hair.

"You've passed, Hikari. There's no reason to apologize to me."

Hikari felt heat rising up her cheeks as she patted down her hair. The evening sun filtered in through rectangular gaps in the dojo meant for ventilation. She stood up before falling into a daze, unable to believe that she had passed the test.

"Here." Her zanpakutou flew towards her. Hikari barely managed to catch it, her mind still trying to absorb the Captain's words.

"You're an interesting one!" The Captain patted her hard on her back, giving her a panic attack as she keeled forward. That effectively snapped her out of her daze. He handed her his bamboo sword, instructing her to keep the swords in the storeroom before meeting him outside the dojo.

Hikari did as told, and the two headed back to the main building for some well needed rest.

**A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while, I have been busy with job interviews and contract signing. I will be starting on a part-time admin job real soon, so I may not have time to update as quickly as I did before. Many apologies in advance!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, neither do I own Nurarihyon no Mago, the two extremely awesome mangas to have graced the Earth with their presence.**

For a week, Hikari had engaged her Captain with basic sword practices every evening in the dojo. She had learnt to block and attack simultaneously, and to read the Captain's movements. The Captain seemed to have realized that she had talent with the sword, and it wasn't long before he announced to her that they would be starting on shikai practice the next day.

In the outskirts of the twelve district of West Rukongai, Hikari walked excitedly next to her Captain through a forest. This was going to be her first shikai practice with her Captain. She was bursting with expectation of how the training will progress.

She took in her surroundings. It was a peaceful place, undisturbed by civilization. The morning sun filtered in through the thick foliage, causing little bits of light to be scattered everywhere. A drop of morning dew fell onto her hand, and she let it stay there as it went down her hand, feeling the cooling sensation trickle into her. A random deer standing in a small clearing scooted off into hiding as soon as it saw the two of them, and water flowing from a stream nearby could be heard. But most of all, Hikari took comfort in the sound of her Captain's steady footsteps right beside her.

They continued walking, and soon the forest opened up into a large clearing. They were on top of a wide cliff that overlooks Seireitei, the court of pure souls, where the shinigami live. Its white pillars loom magnificently over its surroundings. The Captain set their lunchboxes aside before indicating to Hikari that the training is starting.

Hikari and her Captain stood facing each other, both a few feet apart. Hikari could feel adrenaline rushing into her. She wasn't fighting her Captain with a harmless bamboo sword anymore. Those katanas they were wielding could kill.

The Captain drew his incredibly large sword. It was already in shikai form, a watermelon knife look-alike, only that it lacked a hilt. A long strip of bandage covering the hilt served also as the zanpakutou's sheath. It fell away when the Captain drew his sword.

Hikari unsheathed her zanpakutou and took a few practice swings before reciting the incantation.

"Weep, forsaken child of Izanagi and Izanami, AWASHIMA*****!"

Hikari's zanpakutou transformed into a double edged sword, half its length filled with intricate carvings of a beautiful nymph riding on a cloud, the other half a proudly polished blade that shined brightly against the sun.

The Captain came at her. She felt the familiar first blow from the right and blocked it with her sword. Then she swung her sword for a consecutive attack, which the Captain blocked. The attacking, blocking and simultaneous attacks were practiced many times with her Captain in the dojo, and Hikari was conditioned to anticipate the next predictable move her Captain would churn out. This was, after all, just a simple warm up before the actual shikai fight.

They continued for some time, with Hikari blocking each of her Captain's attacks and returning some at the opportune moment. However, she was distracted for a moment by a rustling in the bushes nearby when a deer popped its head out. She had only looked away for a second, and the next thing she could feel was the cold blade of the Captain's sword against her neck.

Hikari gulped, turning her head towards the Captain. He gave her a disapproving look before withdrawing his sword.

"If this were a real fight, you would have been dead by now, Hikari."

"I'm sorry! I-" before Hikari could say anymore, her stomach grumbled, a deep, loud growl. Hikari blushed deeply in embarrassment.

The Captain looked surprised for a moment, before he smiled knowingly towards her.

"It's time for a break."

A few minutes later, the both of them were sitting near the edge of the cliff, eating bentos bought from a town they had passed by earlier as they walked to the training ground. Hikari was admiring the white towering buildings in Seireitei as she ate. A cooling wind blew by, caressing her cheeks. For a few seconds, she relaxed, enjoying this moment, and knowing that the Captain was beside her had made the experience more enjoyable for her.

"Hikari." The Captain said suddenly. Hikari looked up at him. The Captain was staring at the white expanse of buildings that made up the Seireitei. His eyes held a distant look as he stared at a white pillar, the tallest of all the pillars in Seireitei. Hikari recognized it as the Shrine of Penitence. All this while, he was chewing on a piece of fried shrimp, its tail sticking out of his mouth.

"Have you ever wondered about our squad's flower?" He asked.

Hikari opened her mouth to answer, before she stopped herself. In her mind, she thought that she will have to answer the question carefully. Though the Captain didn't seem like it, he may have been testing her with this seemingly innocuous question.

She sighed in frustration. She already had the answer, but how should she go about phrasing it?

As though reading her mind, the Captain turned to face her, looking slightly amused. He was still chewing the piece of shrimp in his mouth, and its tail moved up and down as he continued chewing. "Relax, I wasn't testing you." He reassured her.

"It's Marigold." Hikari replied hesitantly, "It stands for despair." Immediately after saying that, Hikari started beating herself up inside for answering the Captain's question so plainly.

"That's right!" The Captain grinned at her, having finished eating the shrimp when she was speaking, before voraciously scooping rice into his mouth using his pair of chopsticks. To Hikari, it seemed that the Captain was hungrier than her.

The Captain took some time to chew and swallow the food, turning his eyes back to the scenery in front of them, before continuing his question. "So do you know why it is always best to avoid war?" He was guiding her along with these questions, Hikari realized.

"War brings death. It brings with it darkness, hatred and despair. It also affects a large number of people." Hikari recited what she had remembered her previous mentor say.

The Captain gave a nod of approval, still gazing into the horizon. His eyes did not betray any emotion. He was now drinking from an orange juice pack, something he had stowed from the Human World. There was a long silence as Hikari awkwardly held her half-eaten bento sitting on her lap, waiting for her Captain to speak.

Finally he did. "Unlike what people usually believe, despair is not a feeling. It is more of a state one falls into- a state of hopelessness, and no matter how much one wills it, he knows that nothing could be done to reverse the situation. That is despair."

The Captain drank from his juice box again, before proceeding. "I… lost my mother to a hollow."

The news shocked Hikari. For a moment, her Captain had looked extremely vulnerable. His eyes were filled with sorrow and regret as he stared ahead of him. His hand had tightened his grip on his empty juice box. But just as quickly as it appeared, the expression had disappeared, replaced with his usual scowling face and deep-set eyes. If Hikari didn't know better, she would have thought what she saw before was just a figment of her imagination. She looked away. "I'm sorry."

"I felt lost, helpless, and couldn't come to terms that she's gone. She was that important to me. I was falling, deeper and deeper into a pit of guilt which I had built for myself, not wanting to climb out. I guess I was a mess back then." He chuckled sadly.

"That's why…" When Hikari turned her head to face her Captain again, he was smiling softly at her. His eyes were gentle, and held an almost endearing expression. She had never seen her Captain like that before.

"I will exterminate Hollows for as long as I live, so that nobody else will experience the sorrow and despair that I have gone through."

Hikari was confused. _What were those emotions that went through her just now as she gazed into the Captain's eyes? There was warmth, no doubt, but other feelings that she had never felt before emerged. Something that felt like a chill up her spine, but wasn't it._ She realized her heart was thumping loudly against her chest. She looked down at her now unappetizing bento, trying to digest her Captain's words, anything that will divert her attention away from those eyes.

"Alright." The man beside her picked up his zanpakutou and stood up, stretching a little before smacking her playfully on the head. This snapped Hikari out of her little reverie. "It's time to get back to training. I don't want you to space out like that all day."

"Yes, Kurosaki-taichou!" The Captain's actions had provided some welcome relief to Hikari as she hastily packed up her foodstuff, picked up her zanpakutou, and headed towards the training grounds. A few moments later, she was once again facing her Captain, who stood a few feet away from her. She pushed away whatever confusion and thoughts that were clouding her mind to focus on the sparring ahead.

"I won't go easy on you this time, meaning that I would seriously injure you if I could." The Captain warned, taking his battle stance. His eyes had the intensity of someone ready to go into war and his reiatsu had increased exponentially. Hikari knew at once that her Captain was serious. She took her battle stance, shikai in hand, and nodded.

Without warning, the Captain was already right in front of Hikari at amazing speed. He crashed his zanpakutou into hers and Hikari felt herself thrown back by his insane strength. She gathered herself just in time to block another of her Captain's attacks with the flat of her blade.

_What is this?_ She wondered. It wasn't the Captain's usual strength and techniques she was fighting against now. The force of his hits had increased almost tenfold as he fought her, and his moves are now thrown at her so haphazardly that Hikari was unable to determine where the next strike will come from.

A left strike. She blocked it.

A front strike. She blocked it, but barely.

A kick to the shin. That was unanticipated and Hikari soon found herself kneeling in front of her Captain. His eyes displayed no emotion as he raised his sword in preparation for the final strike. She dodged a strike to the head and fell to the ground, rolling away just in time as the huge zanpakutou smashed into the ground, opening up a rather deep crevasse. Hikari could only manage to roll about as her Captain's attacks rained down mercilessly on her. She rolled a few more times, barely missing the Captain's attacks before she realized that she was at the edge of the cliff. Moving further would only result in a steep drop into a forest below. She was cornered.

The Captain was standing over Hikari now, his sword raised. He wasn't joking when he said that he could seriously injure her. Disappointment was written all over his face as he spoke: "You didn't put up a good fight, Hikari."

Hikari closed her eyes tight, preparing herself for the final blow.

_The snowflakes falling in front of her looked ethereal against the grey background. The street was empty save for a flickering lamppost and a silver haired teenage boy garbed in a black shihakusho. His back was facing her as he walked away from her and he seemed to be the only coloured subject in this world of grey and white._

"_Hey!" She called out._

_He stopped walking and turned around. Blood was still splattered on his face as he studied her through slitted eyes. His crooked smile widened in amusement as he looked towards her._

"_You… can see me?" He asked._

***Awashima is the abandoned second child of two Japanese deities, Izanagi and Izanami (Gods of creation). In Nurarihyon no Mago, Izanagi (the male) was described as a "raging God" while Izanami (the female) was described as a "heavenly Nymph". Awashima was a manifestation of both parents, from which I based Hikari's sword on. Though the incantation may sound weird, I think it will sound better in Japanese because all the names won't be so clumped up together. This is based on what I remembered when learning basic Japanese so please correct me if I'm wrong!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear readers, if you are seeing this message, it means that I will be continuing my story in a separate installment, which I will upload right after posting this.**

**Please visit my profile for the next installment, and I will be arranging those short stories in order on my profile page.**

**I would like to thank Kuroi-cho-tsuki-shiro, Sora'struelover and Thorndsword for the kind reviews and support. Also many thanks to Ryoshiro, Hady-chan, Ixcall it karma, dragon8820, La Rose de Minuit and anyone else reading this fic for the kind support given!**

**Reviews are very much appreciated!**

_**News: From the next chapter on, I will be changing the rating to T due to certain non-child friendly content.**_


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